Happy Revisited

Ed. Note. This post originally appeared elsewhere back in January 2009. I am re-posting it as a reminder that while I may struggle and I have struggled more then usual lately, that Boy Wonder is happy 98% of the time. This is way more then can be said of most of us. His happiness is all the matters. My selfish expectations do not matter as much as his happiness.

Autism Autism Autism Autism Autism Autism Autism Autism

That awful word that beats in my head all day long from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep, if I sleep at all. It's always here sometimes louder then others, sometimes barely a whisper but always with me.

I am never distracted by other things enough to ever forget it. Autism. While I'm watching a movie. Autism. While I am in a meeting at work. Autism. While I am out with friends for a drink. Some days, it fills me with despair. Other days, it fills me with a rage that scares me.

It affects every aspect of my life. It has changed me in a way, that divorce, death of a family member and other hard knocks have never been able to change me.

It has shaken me every day over and over for the past year. The well meaning things people say make me want to scream some days. He'll be okay. He'll come out of it. Oh really, may I see your crystal ball?

But just when I am at my most wretched and worst, Boy Wonder will give me a gift. He looked at me this morning with a huge smile on his face and said "Happy!!! I HAPPY!"

Yes, you are my most darling little boy! That's what I need to remember that in spite of Autism you are a happy boy!