4:50 am

It's the same as it's been for 18 months. The alarm goes off and I'm up. Throw on the sneakers and turn on the iPod. Out I go for miles because the physical pain is easier to bear then the worry and fear. We won't even discuss the anger. I push myself up the hills at faster paces till my lungs burn and my legs cramp. I run like  a child on the downhill because downhill is easy but I've never done easy. Because the last year has been a fucking roller coaster of the unexpected. Up and down, twisting then right side up then upside down. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. The realization that the time for a miracle for Boy Wonder has come and gone. That being self reliant is the only way for me. That some things can not be fixed no matter how I try. That walls are necessary and trust is earned. That I am one of the few people unafraid of change. But my kids are happy so I am doing something right. Time to let go and move on. I've done it before I can do it again.

White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there's nothing to grab so I let go 

Blow Me (One Last Kiss) P!nk