The Cycle of Grief and Acceptance

 Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love. 

 ~Terri Guillemets

It's a never ending cycle of grief and acceptance when you are raising a child with autism. We celebrate every hard earned skill, every spontaneous expression of love, spontaneous appropriate speech, in this house that'll get you a cookie. You accept that this is your child. You love them unconditionally but once in a while you visit Whatifville, the alternate universe that really never existed for you.

It sneaks up when you drop your NT preschooler off at school and you see all the NT kids out at recess running around and playing with their friends and you see the door to school open and watch your son's class come out each of them having their hand held by their one on one aide. Or when your 2 year old can say I sooooo mad Mama!!! Yet your 6 year old just sits and cries and you have no idea why. Or your 4 year old can write her name and your 6 year old can't. The grief takes you right to Whatifville. What if he didn't have autism? What if he didn't have to struggle so damn much? But you love him and those big brown eyes. That enticing smile. The delicious giggle. The way he says so haltingly in a voice barely above a whisper," I want up Mommy, please." So you pick up your 80 lb child who is too big and too old to be held but you pick him up and hold on tight because whatever makes him happy makes you happy. And you accept his unconditional love because you love him back unconditionally and in that moment when hold you first born the grief falls away and all that is left is pure love.

Editor's Note: April is Autism Awareness Month. Our house will be lit up blue. You can light yours up too. Blue light bulbs are available at your local Home Depot.