You Be You

Two little girls.  Blonde haired, blue eyed, silly, giggly, fun, smart, hilarious, gorgeous girls. They like a lot of the same things. Mommy's Little Ponies aka My Little Ponies, baby dolls, their doll house, to swing high and fast, be Mommy's backseat drivers (too fast, faster, slow down, stop sign, go the other way). But they are different too. One calls me Mommy, the other calls me Mama. One loves all things girly. There are not enough hairbows aka headbands, jewelry, dresses or fancy shoes in the world. She loves to dance. Watch me twirl Mommy,  now I'll take a bow!! If it's got a Disney Princess on it or in it, it's for her. The other one is all about her sneakers so she can run fast, whether it's a dress or jeans the sneakers go on the little feet. Mama, catch the ball and now throw it to me.  Yay Me!!!! I catched it Mama. Did you see me, Mama? She'd rather watch Mike the Knight instead of Disney Princess movies.

I took my two delicious little girls to have their birthday photos taken the other day. One was all about the fancy shoes. The other one cried until I caved and let her but on her sparkly fast sneakers. I didn't make her take the sneakers off for the pictures. I wasn't trying to have my friend, Cher, capture some moment of false perfection. I wanted her to capture my girl's distinct personalities. There will be enough people in this world who try to change my girls and it won't be me. I want them to be unique in whatever way they choose. If that's sneakers or fancy shoes, well, you be you, baby girls, cause Mommy/Mama loves you for you.

The Cycle of Grief and Acceptance

 Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love. 

 ~Terri Guillemets

It's a never ending cycle of grief and acceptance when you are raising a child with autism. We celebrate every hard earned skill, every spontaneous expression of love, spontaneous appropriate speech, in this house that'll get you a cookie. You accept that this is your child. You love them unconditionally but once in a while you visit Whatifville, the alternate universe that really never existed for you.

It sneaks up when you drop your NT preschooler off at school and you see all the NT kids out at recess running around and playing with their friends and you see the door to school open and watch your son's class come out each of them having their hand held by their one on one aide. Or when your 2 year old can say I sooooo mad Mama!!! Yet your 6 year old just sits and cries and you have no idea why. Or your 4 year old can write her name and your 6 year old can't. The grief takes you right to Whatifville. What if he didn't have autism? What if he didn't have to struggle so damn much? But you love him and those big brown eyes. That enticing smile. The delicious giggle. The way he says so haltingly in a voice barely above a whisper," I want up Mommy, please." So you pick up your 80 lb child who is too big and too old to be held but you pick him up and hold on tight because whatever makes him happy makes you happy. And you accept his unconditional love because you love him back unconditionally and in that moment when hold you first born the grief falls away and all that is left is pure love.

Editor's Note: April is Autism Awareness Month. Our house will be lit up blue. You can light yours up too. Blue light bulbs are available at your local Home Depot.

STFU TAPE a Jersey Informercial

Cue smarmy informercial voice........

Have whiny kids???? Teenagers that talk back?  A spouse that talks to hear themselves talk and says random stupid offensive crap???? A friend who is all me me me all the time???  In laws who don't think you're raising your kids right? A boss that talks over you in meetings and takes credit for your work??? A Special Education Director that violates FAPE every time they open their mouth??? That know-it-all elderly person who tells you should give your kid a good smack???? Ever wish you could just tape their mouth shut well now you can!!!!..... Introducing STFU tape....

For just $9.95 plus shipping & handling and you'll never have to listen to whining or stupidity again. Simply peel off the appropriate length of STFU TAPE  and place it over the morons mouth and PRESTO. Silence!!!  I'm from Jersey so I'm not stupid enough to double this offer. But I do have a celebrity endorser.

Call 888-STFU-NOW to place your order. Enjoy your moron free day!!!

Dancing

Maybe we will never dance together at his wedding,

But every morning, Boy Wonder comes up to me in the kitchen

And says in his halting soft spoken way,

"Mommy.... I.... want.....dance.....please."

And so I spin my sweet boy until he's had enough.

And he squeezes me tight and runs away giggling.

I will take that sweet moment with my boy everyday.

Classy & Fabulous Four

A girl should be two things; Classy and Fabulous

Coco Chanel

Amazing

Fabulous

Smart

Hilarious

Giggly

Silly

Girly

Gorgeous

Loving

All these words don't even begin to describe what a fantastic little girl you are, Diva. Happy 4th Birthday. May you always be as happy as you are today. Mommy loves you. 

And Yet More Proof That God Loves Messing With Me

So I took THE DIVA  to Princess Tea Birthday Party yesterday. I got to sit and watch her play withe classmates and learn how to drink tea with her pinky out. The mom had her younger sister and her friend helping out doing hair, makeup, nails and how to act like a princess lessons. THE DIVA kept cracking up the sister's friend. She came over to tell me how much she enjoyed THE DIVA. We chatted a bit. She tells me she is a part time nanny and babysits as well. She also tells me she is an aide at Boy Wonder's school. I'm thinking ooo babysitter as our current babysitter is pregnant and we will need a back up. I ask her if she knows Boy Wonder. Her face lights up and she says oh he's so sweet and such a cutie. Then she says oh you probably know my mom!!! I ask who her mom is. Guess who?? THE SPECIAL ED DIRECTOR.

And there you have it reason 8,679 why God loves to mess with me.

Paying It Forward with 13.1 and 26.2

And as I finished up training for the NYC Marathon last year, I said never again. I ran it for all the right reasons and with tons of support but it was long long months of training and hours spent doing long runs on Sundays but the excitement in the runner's village was contagious.  So I thought to myself well just maybe I'll do it again next year but then I hit mile 18. Mile 18 was my breaking point. I was tired with 6.1 miles to go but I checked my twitter feed and holy freaking cheering section. And of course I had the famous Luau waiting for me at around mile 23.  So I ran on because letting my hero down is never ever an option and I always finish what I start.

So I finished and I was sore for a few days. I started to think well why not run it again? But I put it on the back burner while I started school and had a few other things going on. But then I got inspired by MrsSgm who decided she'd kick a little Congressional butt I mean brief them on military families living with autism and then go on a national TV show and ya know tell the nation what's going on.  And my friend who is starting a non profit tennis academy for kids with autsim. Or always Judith who fights for healthcare reform nationwide for her son, my son and everyone else's sons and daughters living with autism. Or Jess who speaks out with eloquence and class for our community on a daily basis. And all the other mamas who have done so much for all our kids.

I have been blessed by the people who have been on the road ahead of me. They have blazed the trail through a scary forest. They have reached back, grabbed my hand and pulled me forward. They have welcomed me into the village. Now it's my turn, I can reach back and pull someone forward. I can tell them you'll get there. Maybe not in the most direct route, there will be twists and turns and uphill battles and oh watch out for the rabbit hole. But you are never ever alone.

So in honor of these amazing people and their sons and their daughters, I decided to really get my crazy on and because ya know Luau likes as many of us to participate in his crazy as he can convince to join him, I'll be running the Boston Half Marathon (click >HERE< to donate) on September 16 and then the NYC Marathon (click >HERE< to donate) on November 4 for Autism Speaks. If you are in a position to donate please do so and if not you can just cheer me on on Twitter.

You can make a difference in this community but only you can figure out how to do it in a way that matters to you the most. This is my way of giving back. What's yours?