4:50 am

It's the same as it's been for 18 months. The alarm goes off and I'm up. Throw on the sneakers and turn on the iPod. Out I go for miles because the physical pain is easier to bear then the worry and fear. We won't even discuss the anger. I push myself up the hills at faster paces till my lungs burn and my legs cramp. I run like  a child on the downhill because downhill is easy but I've never done easy. Because the last year has been a fucking roller coaster of the unexpected. Up and down, twisting then right side up then upside down. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. The realization that the time for a miracle for Boy Wonder has come and gone. That being self reliant is the only way for me. That some things can not be fixed no matter how I try. That walls are necessary and trust is earned. That I am one of the few people unafraid of change. But my kids are happy so I am doing something right. Time to let go and move on. I've done it before I can do it again.

White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there's nothing to grab so I let go 

Blow Me (One Last Kiss) P!nk






 

The Letter of the Day is...

 

A Day At The Beach In Pictures

We skipped housework this weekend so excuse the mess.   

And we headed to our favorite place

THE BEACH!!!

A Handsome Sensory Seeker's Heaven!!

World's Most Gorgeous Mermaid!!

I will build a sandcastle than smash it than build it again. 

Love this face..

and this face.....

and this face!!!!

Digging in the sand. 

Waiting for lunch to be served. 

Topped off by dinner out!!!

And Boy Wonder had apparently had enough of Sass and Brass Tacks today. 

Mommy's not stupid. I went and sat with Boy Wonder. 

But I do hope they remember what a good time they had today TOGETHER.

Mile 18

"Mile 18 almost broke me."

One of my tweets from the 2011 NYC Marathon.

There has been a lot of Mile 18s lately. I have come to accept them as part of my life. And while I may walk or crawl the next few miles, I am never out or down for long. Mile 18 is part of everyone's life. You may call it something else but we all have those days and weeks. I have the power to make myself happy and my children happy. Sometimes other people add to our happiness. Sometimes it's for the long term and sometimes only the short term.

So tomorrow morning when I lace up my running shoes and head out the door, I will think of Winston Churchill's quote, "If you're going through Hell, keep going."  I'll keep going because I know that Mile 23 is never as far as I think it is and that I never know who will be waiting there.  I have faith and hope and for now that's enough.

Easy vs. Hard

Sweet Baby Girl started camp yesterday for two morning a week. She is so ready. She needs it and after almost 7 years of full time mommyhood I need a break. My friend (you know who you are) asked if I had a hard time sending her off to be a "big girl". My answer was no. Every developmental milestone and rite of passage that SBG and DIVA serve up on a silver platter is cause for celebration for me. While I, on a rare occasion, miss the baby days with each milestone they hit I breathe a little easier.  This is easy. Hard was putting Boy Wonder on the "short bus" at 3 years old but sending the girls off to grow, learn and develop is easy.

The Other Side of The Double Edge Sword

Tomorrow is the preschool picnic for THE DIVA. It will be a big difference from Boy Wonder's preschool picnic last year. She will participate, sing and laugh. Knowing her love of an audience she will put on quite the show during the sing-a-long. Her self-confidence and her misguided belief that she can sing are a joyful and hilarious sight to behold. But Boy Wonder will be in there in the back of my mind as I watch the kids from his old class participate. The ease with which things come to THE DIVA are a gift to watch. But my eyes will drift to the kids from Boy Wonder's old class because while I know their parents are thrilled to see their kids in a school program, it is hard to see your kids alongside their typical peers. And I know what will be going on behind those too bright smiles.

But tomorrow is THE DIVA'S day. She has worked hard for it and she deserves my undivided attention.  So I will try for just a little while to shrug off my Autism Mama sash for my little girl who needs me to that for her every once in a while.

Never Feel Guilty

Editor's Note: This post was inspired by a conversation with my friend Sassy. She's like New England's version of Posh Spice crossed with  a Kennedy only more gorgeous and waaaaaay funnier.

Never feel guilty for doing what's right for your child.

I will knowingly lie and deceive and feel no guilt.

The Special Ed Director is not my friend.

 Nor is the case manager,

social worker,

school psychologist,

behavior analyst,

occupational therapist,

physical therapist

or speech therapist.

They do not know my child the way I do.

 They are bound by

politics,

rhetoric,

 budgets

and their own short sightedness.

Some of these people are even grossly incompetent.

My child is entitled to an appropriate education.

If I have to lie to get him what he deserves,

I will feel no guilt.

Because he is MY child.