Monday, December 19, 2011

Waving the White Flag

It's been building since the 4 year anniversary of Boy Wonder's diagnosis. The demon chases me daily. I tried to outrun it. I tried to excessively clean the house to tame it. I tried disappearing. But it followed me relentlessly. It waited patiently for my defenses to be decimated by the unexpected death of a childhood friend, the sinking realization that Boy Wonder outgrowing his diagnosis is gone and the loss of a support person I'd come to rely on.

I started to cry Friday night and I couldn't stop. Saturday and Sunday brought more of the same. This morning at spin class, I started to cry, got off the bike in the middle of class and texted Big Daddy that I needed help. I needed to go to the emergency room. The wheels had come off the wagon. I waved the white flag.

The ER doctors were not helpful. Someone who is crying, shaking, hasn't slept or eaten in over 3 days and clearly not an addict needs help. Because I wasn't willing to kill myself anytime soon, they sent me off with an appointment with a therapist in two weeks. Not helpful especially when you are not a ask for help kind of girl. So off to the GP, where I got to sit in the waiting room while Big Daddy sheltered me from those staring as I cried on and off for 3 hours.  So for now, I have a contingency plan to get me through the next two weeks. 

I will get better. For myself because I'm a survivor. For my family because they need me. For those who are coming up fast and furious behind me as the rate of autism continues it's astronomical rise. Because I do have faith that the things and people I've lost will turn up again someday.

Thank you to my village for all the love today. You always show me the light at the end of the tunnel.

And D., my ever loving loves me as I am friend, you're my rock.

If you feel like you can't go on or you're alone. You aren't. I promise. Ask for help. I did and I'm glad even if I had to jump through hoops to get it.

And yes the hospital administrator will be getting a letter when I am my old fresh self again.


  1. Love you to the moon and back. That letter can wait until you're ready. Take care of you.

  2. you were not alone in that god forsaken hospital today, nor the gp waiting room thereafter. you were not alone when you got home and faced down the mountain, steeled yourself and took it on. you ran with our children on your back - we walk today with you on ours. we love you.

  3. So in love with you, Mama. I am so proud that you got off that bike and waved the white flag. I am furious that you did not receive the help you needed in a prompt, reasonable manner from those who are supposed to deliver just that.

    You are an amazingly strong and loving woman who is rising above every day, and every day you earn the right to a reprieve once in a while.

    Love you. Here for you. Always. xo

  4. I'm glad you have a great support system and the courage to ask for help. Good thoughts and prayers that you find the peace and get the help that you need.

  5. It takes tremendous strength to ask for help. I'm so glad you did. As always, you have my love.

  6. i have also cried on a bike in a spin class. so sorry for the pain. you are not alone, my brave and beautiful friend. love, love, love you.

  7. Oh, the gift you give to others by sharing your story. I am so glad that raised that flag! Thinking of you

  8. Exactly what everyone else here has said. You are so strong and brave for taking the steps you did to get help. Thank you so much for telling your story, I'm sure it was difficult to do, but in doing so you helped me today, and I imagine so many more.