Friday, December 30, 2011

Another Reason Why I Don't Do Shit or God Laughs At Me

So you know how when you meet someone for the first time, whether it's a blind date, job interview or whatever someone walks past you and you think," Please God let that not be the person I'm  here to see." Yes well I went to my first therapy (Dear God why the fuck am I admitting this shit? I don't talk about my feelings, sex or body parts. Jesus!!) and as I walked down the hall this elderly and yes she's an elderly lady, who was clearly related to Dr. Ruth, walked past me and I thought, "well I already know God's not in  my fan club. Watch that be my therapist."

Guess who was my therapist????

And I just laughed when I got outside and asked the Sister Mamas,"Did you bitches have me punked? The therapist was like Dr. Ruth's sister!! OMG!!"

OH and just so you know inappropriate laughter does not help your psych eval but it did let me know that I am on my way back to my irreverent, find myself funny self which is who I have really missed. 

Ed's Note: For all those who tweeted, texted, emailed and phoned me to offer their love and support while I lost my shit. Thank you. If you need help ask for it. It gets better.

Monday, December 26, 2011

My Surprise is Two!!

Surprise is the greatest gift life can grant us.
~Boris Pasternak

I wrote about  My Surprise last year.  She still surprises me every day. She is a developmental milestone ass kicker. She is funny and finds herself funny. She is speaking in full sentences. She can tell me if she is mad, sad or happy. And Sweet Baby Girl loves you hard. She is the lovingest squeeziest baby girl ever. She lives up to her Sweet Baby Girl nickname. I would love to go back to the scared shaken moment when I found myself very very unexpectedly pregnant with her and whisper to that woman, "She will bring you so much joy. She is the sister THE DIVA needs desperately." And now My Beautiful Surprise is TWO.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Baby Girl. You are TWO in all it's funny, silly, smart, loving and beautiful glory.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Dear Santa The Remix

Editor's Note: This post originally appeared elsewhere in December 2008. While I now I have a much clearer idea of what Boy Wonder's future holds and the knowledge that the miracle of recovery is just about gone, I do have hope that we can help him reach his full potential. Like every child he does have a lot of potential and its my job to make sure he reaches it.


Dear Santa, 

I think you know what I want for Christmas. Yes, world peace, an end to the insanity of terrorism and genocide and a nicely rebounding economy would be nice but really I want the one thing I can't have.

So instead how about a little glimpse of ten years down the line? Just so I know what's going to happen. Good, bad or indifferent I can take it. It's the not knowing that wakes me up at night.

So I know I am most likely on the naughty list but hey I usually do use my evil powers for the greater good. So how about it Santa? Just a five minute peek into the future 10 years down the line. I'll leave you an extra big cookie this year and homemade hot cocoa with a little kick to it.


But what I would write this year......

Dear Santa,

So hey I didn't get my peek all at once when I asked, you revealed it gradually over time just what I can mostly expect. You are a smart man, Santa. When I asked to know how this  whole autism thing was gong to play out, you knew I wasn't ready to know just how hard it was going to be. So how about you just get to work on that hope, love and happiness thing? That's what would work. I'm doing my part but if you could kick just a little Christmas magic my way, I'd be eternally grateful. I'm off to make your cookies. THE DIVA is helping. Don't worry I made her wash her hands.


Editor's Note #2 I also highly recommend checking out the Weekly Whirl-Our Favorite Holiday Blogs. I'm proud to call several of the bloggers close friends.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Happy Holidays

I wish you all a wonderful Holiday Season. My wish for all is that you find the courage, strength and faith to pursue the things that will make you happy and bring you peace.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Waving the White Flag

It's been building since the 4 year anniversary of Boy Wonder's diagnosis. The demon chases me daily. I tried to outrun it. I tried to excessively clean the house to tame it. I tried disappearing. But it followed me relentlessly. It waited patiently for my defenses to be decimated by the unexpected death of a childhood friend, the sinking realization that Boy Wonder outgrowing his diagnosis is gone and the loss of a support person I'd come to rely on.

I started to cry Friday night and I couldn't stop. Saturday and Sunday brought more of the same. This morning at spin class, I started to cry, got off the bike in the middle of class and texted Big Daddy that I needed help. I needed to go to the emergency room. The wheels had come off the wagon. I waved the white flag.

The ER doctors were not helpful. Someone who is crying, shaking, hasn't slept or eaten in over 3 days and clearly not an addict needs help. Because I wasn't willing to kill myself anytime soon, they sent me off with an appointment with a therapist in two weeks. Not helpful especially when you are not a ask for help kind of girl. So off to the GP, where I got to sit in the waiting room while Big Daddy sheltered me from those staring as I cried on and off for 3 hours.  So for now, I have a contingency plan to get me through the next two weeks. 

I will get better. For myself because I'm a survivor. For my family because they need me. For those who are coming up fast and furious behind me as the rate of autism continues it's astronomical rise. Because I do have faith that the things and people I've lost will turn up again someday.

Thank you to my village for all the love today. You always show me the light at the end of the tunnel.

And D., my ever loving loves me as I am friend, you're my rock.

If you feel like you can't go on or you're alone. You aren't. I promise. Ask for help. I did and I'm glad even if I had to jump through hoops to get it.

And yes the hospital administrator will be getting a letter when I am my old fresh self again.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Race (The Art of the Reframe)

against windows of opportunity closing.

against a progress report that makes no sense.

with a map that makes no sense because there is no direct route from point A to point B with autism.

against discrimination.

against underestimating Boy Wonder.

against self-doubt and self-blame.

against those who are opposed to children and adults with autism getting the services they need.


to be ready for windows of opportunity.

for real progress.

for a concrete plan of action that will get us from point A to point B.

for acceptance.

for helping Boy Wonder reach his full potential.

for hope and belief in the future.

for advocating endlessly to get children and adults with autism the services they need.

I needed a reframe after a miserable progress report and a miserable trip to Toys R Us trying to figure out what to get Boy Wonder for Christmas.   Some days it all comes together and some days it all falls apart.

Monday, December 5, 2011

A Little Time With My DIVA

 The best thing you can give your children,
next to good habits, 
are good memories.
~Sydney J. Harris

We were off. Just THE DIVA and I to Super Cuzzy's Wedding. You can read about Super Cuzzy here and here.
 A little one on one time for the little girl who struggles with being the middle child.

You want chicken nuggets at 10 am. Well sure.

She was so well behaved on the flight out that people were surprised to see her get off the plane.  She watched TV, colored in her book and told her doll to be good. Not sure if she was reminding herself but I took it. 

Then the next day we were off for a get pretty day with the rest of the bridal party.

Waiting to get her nails done!!!

 The finished product. This poor kid has my feet.

Then we were off for a bit of accessory shopping.  She was so well behaved that she got pretty much everything she asked for.  The other bridesmaids would now like me to take them all on vacation.  I don't think that will go over to well with Big Daddy.

Once we were done shopping, some frozen yogurt was in order.

Stirring it to make a smoothie. 

Then it was time to get ready for the rehearsal  and dinner.  She was well behaved the entire time.   She was her usually silly, girly, never stops talking self but no screaming or carrying on.

Then it was Wedding Day and we were super excited. Time to get her hair done. She could hardly wait.

Oh the hard life of a flower girl.

We are almost ready.

 Me and the BRIDE aka Super Cuzzy.

Then off to the restaurant with Super Cuzzy and Super Cuzzy #2 

THE DIVA stayed behind with her new Partner In Crime aka Aunt J.

We didn't do nuffin faces. 

The World's Most Gorgeous Flower Girl

And during the wedding I was reminded again just what a wonderful person Super Cuzzy is because her favor was awesome.
Instead of favors, they donated to the 
Fisher House Foundation and Autism Speaks.

THE DIVA had a great time. She walked down the aisle nicely. She danced, was taught how to fist pump, ate, ran around like a maniac and laughed like a loon. But at 10 pm she asked to go to sleep.

Wedding 1 THE DIVA 0
The next morning we packed up and headed back to the airport. I hope that she remembers this trip. I hope that she knows while she rarely gets one on one time at home that I always look for a way to make her feel special and loved.  Because she is a special, beautiful, funny, smart, much loved little girl and I need her to know that now and always.
 Future Flight Attendant. 
She takes your safety seriously.